


Coping With a Loss of Control

by Panultimate



Category: Homestuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-14
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2018-03-01 10:14:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2769314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Panultimate/pseuds/Panultimate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rose introspective drabble, first person, some point early on in her drinking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coping With a Loss of Control

I put a lot of work into that identity. I put a lot of work into crafting a controlled and confident front. I faked it until I became it and now I am it and I don’t know how to get out.

I realized a lot of things, just a bit after becoming god tier. It wasn’t that being god tier gave me the abilities; it was the events that took place just before my ascension that enlightened me. Oh who am I kidding, talking like this?

I realized that I don’t actually know how psychology works and I haven’t the first clue what anyone else is actually thinking. I do it for myself, all these words and cold diagnoses, I do it to try to understand. My conclusions are wrong most of the time and even if I do know what I’m doing half the time, it’s not nearly as much as I used to think. The worst part is, everyone else believed me. No, the worst part is that I believed me.

I wanted so badly to be in control of things. I wanted to have some grasp on my life, and I was failing that even before the game started, and since then, it’s only gotten a thousand times harder. I thought seeking out Doc Scratch and the horrorterrors would give me power, but it only gave them power over me.

I wasn’t just nervous for the date with Kanaya. I realized, fully for the first time, that I’ve cemented myself into this persona, this ice queen character, and I don’t know how to get out and everyone I know thinks that’s me. I thought that was me, but what if it’s not? Who am I then? And what if I get into a romance with someone and I have to deal with the knowledge that she’s in love with this act, so I can’t drop it. Not that I could have dropped it anyways. John and Jade aren’t here, but I’m sure as hell not going to fall apart in front of Dave. I think Davesprite would actually understand better- he went through the doomed timeline that I have vague, subconscious memories of. He, like alpha Dave, has a built up persona, but he’s more aware of it than I think human Dave will be for a long time. But Davesprite is on the ship with John and Jade and I’m here with human Dave, who spends too much time with the Seer of Mind anyways. I don’t want to go anywhere near her. It’s not just that she’s annoying- which she is- it’s that, frankly, I don’t want her to see what I can’t even see in myself.

And then there’s Kanaya. I like her, a lot. I love our interactions and I love noticing her picking up little habits of mine, but I also dread it, seeing myself mirrored in someone else. She sees what I wanted her to see, and what if it’s too late to change that?

I don’t have to worry now about the fate of the session. I just have to sit and wait. For three years. That’s almost worse than fighting for my life, because at least then I’m doing something, feeling like I can change something, but here I just read old books and write strategies and play with the alchemiter.

I want to talk to her, to tell her everything, but that would mean more than just coming out of my shell. It would mean dragging more feelings into this, baring myself to her and entangling her in my own, preexisting problems. We all knew she would all too readily jump in to help someone else with their own problems. But did I want to put her through that? Did I want our relationship to be a weird brand of therapy? No, I certainly didn’t and I don’t! I want her as my girlfriend, or matesprite, but I don’t know if I can do that.

This game is wearing me down, and has been from the start, but I think I’m finally starting to unravel. I thought going grimdark was the bottom, that from there I could only get better, but now I think it was just the first step, the trip on the top step, and now I’m falling down the stairs. I’m falling apart and I’ve finally figured out how to alchemize alcohol and the only thing I can think to do is let go for a while. I need to get out of my head, where everything is tangled and I don’t even know who I am anymore. I just need a break.


End file.
